Female model needed for photo shoot titled “The Pinnacle of Badassery.”
You will be flown out to a nautical location in the Puerto Rican oceanside in order to pose as “The Lady” as you clench my hip meat aboard a two-man personal watercraft. A Peruvian boa constrictor will be draped around my neck as I throttle the jet ski off of a ramp and over a rather large thermite-based explosion. There won’t be any sharks, but we might throw some platypuses in there. Sunglasses. I’ll be wearing the bathing suit made famous by Matthew McConaughey in the 2008 comedy film “Surfer, Dude.” You will have several wardrobe changes. Hair and makeup.
The context of this photo, its elements, and its artistic merit will capture the essence of life and humanity as we know it. This piece will become a shining achievement of mankind. In the years to come it will become the focus of documentaries with commentary by Banksy’s niece and the full-grown actor who currently plays the little boy in Modern Family. He’s going to become a huge fan.
It will be featured in the MoMa. It will inspire peace, confidence, and premarital sex.
There will be classes at Ivy League colleges devoted to the piece. Marcel Creighton will write his senior thesis on it. He’ll pass after 3 rewrites and 38 revisions. He’ll never really find his form.
Landmark achievements that “The Pinnacle of Badassery” piece will achieve include, in this order:
-Major Motion Picture Trilogy
-Planters Nuts endorsement (You’d be surprised how stingy they can be.)
You will NOT be compensated for your initial work besides your fair share of SPF 30 sunscreen and a midday bag lunch. However, you will be entitled to residuals which will prove to be considerably more rewarding. Think about it. Imagine if Mona Lisa was alive today. She’d get more royalties than Jerry Seinfeld, and I’m pretty sure that show has been syndicated for at least 15 years now. That will be you. Money will not be an object–you will. You will become a global icon. You know you’ve always wanted your own Wikipedia page.
What you do with the fame and fortune will be your decision. Perhaps you’ll satiate a lifelong goal of playing croquet atop a pool full of frozen Jell-O. If so, I’m all over that. I can hook you up with a spectacular gelatin supplier.
Maybe you’ll join Kabbalah and enjoy afternoons listening to dubstep with Madonna. I hear she’s into that.
If that’s not your thing, why not invest your money in the lucrative orangutan egg market? Gold is peaking!
It’s really up to you. I don’t care either way. You can pay off the national debt and adopt four score African babies, or completely burnout and indecently expose yourself in the loser’s lounge of an Atlantic City casino while singing a karaoke version of Mike Jones’ 2005 hit “Back Then” at 2:45 in the afternoon.
Take a moment and ask yourself what awaits.
-Must be taller than 5’4″
-Must provide own transportation to airport
-Must be at least 216 months of age
-Must be able to divide by 12
Please supply your contact information along with studio portraits and/or selectively cropped Facebook photos. Bathing suit shots preferred. Tasteful nudes accepted. Tasteless nudes accepted. No previous modeling experience necessary.
- Location: NYC
- it’s ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
- Compensation: Residuals