Funny Craigslist Ad # 19: When looking for Luvvv on Craigslist

Broken Heart
Image by Gabriela Camerotti via Flickr

Guys: When you ask for stuff like “Short straight black hair in a modern bob” we know we are going to be replacing someone else. Give it a rest. There are stores on Davie Street you can go to and purchase the pneumatic girl of your dreams black bob and all. But, if you are living in the real world, maybe leave just a little wiggle room? Life maybe include ‘short straight BRUNETTE hair in a modern bob?

Please don’t repost the same information over and over and overandoverandover. This means YOU guy in pink shirt with space between front teeth, and YOU blue collar guy in the wife beater t-shirt. Once a week should do, unless you think your chances will increase if you post four times in the same day using the same pictures. Kids, you’re sending out a message here, and it ain’t good.

You’re visiting Vancouver for the weekend and want to ‘hook up’. That tells us three things. One: you are married, Two: you want nice nsa sex and Three: You’re a pig. Nuff said.

You really don’t need to describe your body much past the eye colour, height, weight shit. Only post things you would say on a first date. “Hi, my name’s Bob and I’m well-hung and cut…” probably wouldn’t be the first things you’d say before the coffee arrived.

It IS a good idea to state the type of lady you are looking for. However, if you are 54 stating you are looking for someone between the ages of 18 and no older than 32, you are telegraphing you need help – either with your wheelchair, or your medication because you are DELUSIONAL.

If you have a picture of yourself with your arm around a ghost of a person deleted with ‘white out’ we can tell right away that don’t really have your heart in this. We’d rather see the ‘smiling person in the bathroom mirror’ than the ‘white outed wife’ at the second honeymoon on Maui.

Advertising that you’re looking for someone who ‘needs help with the rent’ is creepy, frightening and vaguely illegal.

Don’t take a picture of yourself beside your brand new shiny Porche, Audi, Saturn, Kia, etc. You could be driving a BMW, but due to poor counsel during your divorce, living under a bridge. Do you care what kind of car we drive?

I can’t believe how many guys show glassy-eyed pictures of themselves toasting the camera with a sloshing glass of booze. Soooo seductive. It says “Here’s me on a good day – bombed and thrilled with unreality”. Ohhhh, so sexy.

There are lots of wonderful nice guys out there. For those who aren’t, thanks in advance for all the posts that will call me many names. Most probably having some referral to my deficiencies at blow jobs, keeping the house clean, doing your laundry etc. That’s ok. We’re not a match.

Date: 2009-01-02, 8:23PM PST

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]



Enjoyed this post? Share it!