Do you love Michael Jordan? Of course you do. He’s black. He’s bald. He’s the best basketball player to ever walk the fucking earth. Now you can own a small piece of this superior being in the form of the card that will make your wettest dreams come true. Are you distracted by shiny things? FUCK, ME TOO! That’s why I bought it. Now I’m sharing the wealth, because I’m a giver when the price is right. This is a 95-96 Topps Finest Mystery Orange Bordered TEST REFRACTOR! Holy fucking long title! It’s almost as blinding as the light beaming from the actual card is. AND. IT. IS. GORGEOUS. Too gorgeous for my eyes to feast upon much longer. Love getting stoned? This is your new favorite card! Stare at it for countless hours while pondering the mystic synopsis of Space Jam! Oh, you hate drugs? MJ does, too! You know why? Because he fucking LOVES the kids. Even the mentally handicapped children! Go ahead and Google it, I just did. Listen, you don’t have to purchase this card. Hell, you don’t have to get laid. But don’t you want to? Point is, this card can do that for you and much more. I’d be lying if I told you owning this piece of memorabilia isn’t the sole reason my girlfriend told me I can put it anywhere I want and hold the remote simultaneously. MOTHERFUCKING MULTITASKING! Tiger Woods? Amateur. Jordan has slammed more holes on his worst day.
I know what you’re thinking. Do I really want to spend so much money on a basketball card? FUCK YES! Be like Mike and JUST DO IT!
Make me an offer I can’t refuse and if I refuse it, at least you got to read my ridiculously cliché Craigslist ad.
Date: 2012-06-30, 1:08PM EDT