Gigs

Funny Craigslist Ad #107: Need artificial insemination?

Over the last 3 years, I have offered to help women get pregnant, exclusively through artificial insemination, and many have successfully had children, using my sperm. I offer this at no cost, including an artificial insemination kit, simply because I find it to be one of the most profoundly meaningful uses of my time.

I am 5′ 10″, Caucasian, with black hair and brown eyes, in good shape, and disease-free. My main genetic advantages are my extremely high IQ and that living past 90 seems to run in my family. Additionally, conceiving with the sperm of a male in his early twenties significantly decreases the chances of miscarriages, premature births, autism, schizophrenia, and even the likelihood of a grown daughter to get breast cancer and a grown son to get prostate cancer (Google “paternal age effect”).

It really makes me happy to help people in such a meaningful way, so please don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions, or if you would like to meet.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/m4w/1801159479.html

Funny Craigslist Ad #101: Insult Comic needed for Comedy Event

Insult Comic needed for Comedy Event:
For an event scheduled the San Fernando Valley for August 28th [Saturday] from 7 to midnight. We are looking for a comic well versed in general insults and racial comedy.

Position Description:
The position will require you to dress as a clown in “Black Face” [All races welcome] while delivering random derogatory remarks towards black people while you walk from table to table in a nightclub setting. You are expected to take on the persona of a “seriously racist and angry clown”. You will also hand crudely fashioned balloon animals while telling vulgar mother and father jokes to the attendees. You will be closely followed and guarded by a camera crew during your performance. You are expected to be WAY OVER THE TOP and outrageous. This role is generally lots of fun, imagine a job where you can tell off the customers – this is your chance !

The event will be for the Jiggaboo Jones release of the “Compton Cookout DVD” which sparked a racial firestorm on the Campus of UCSD earlier this year. Major media outlets will be in attendance. You may be required to talk to media during the event, must be comfortable with talking to the press, celebrities and members of the general public. For more information visit: jiggaboojones.com

Your audition, training, performance and public statements will be included on the DVD featurette and can include full credit in IMDB [upon request].
This event rewards you with free food, alcohol & $200 CASH for a total of 4 hours of your time.
Interested persons only send email to get complete details.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/tlg/1756326952.html,

Funny Craigslist Ad #99: re: novel editor wanted by an idiot

You SERIOUSLY, with a straight face, typed that you wanted someone to edit your novel for $25……

Bud, you take the Craigslist idiot cake. You really do. I have seen some pretty low lowball ads in here, but you just took it to a whole ‘nother level of low.

WTF? I mean it. What the hell is in your crack pipe?

Tell you what. Why don’t you hike your ass over here paint my house for $45. The whole thing, front yard to back yard. two stories. Don’t forget the garage.

No, better yet. Hope about you rebuild my Explorer transmission for $62.

Or, can you replace all the pluming in my house for $87.46

And then, when you are done, I’ll edit your fucking novel for $25.

You people… I swear…

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/1422107947.html

Date: 2009-10-14, 8:49PM PDT

Funny Craigslist Ad #73: i need help moving my chickens

I have approximately 1,243 chickens that need to be transported, i began my journey with my mini van but just was not working out, too many trips and too much shit and feathers, and with no ac it makes it very difficult when constantly tempted to roll the windows down, and because doing it all by hand i have lost 1 out of 4 chickens with my first 3 trips. if you have reasonable transportation for this chicken operation plz let me know. thank you.

-Matt

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/hou/1290743016.html