My husband and I are in desperate need of a personal ass wiper and wiener holder. Both of us work 60 plus hours per week and are too tired to cook, clean, or do anything really at the end of the day, including wiping our ass after taking a shit and in my husband’s case holding his wiener while he takes a piss. I would need someone to carry us to the bathroom as well, since at home we don’t wanna have to strain ourselves by using our legs. And just an FYI, I’m a big girl at 200+ pounds, so moderate strength is required. Bathroom assistance would go something like this:
I need to shit. You come to my bedroom and pick me up and carry me with one arm around my neck/shoulder area and the other holding my legs. Once in the bathroom you let me down and pull my pants down. I’ll then sit on my own, because I don’t wanna go overboard you know? I mean I need your help but I can do some things on my own. Then after I am done shitting I’ll lean forward and maybe catch a quick nap while you work on wiping my ass. I want you to use a baby wipe first, make sure you clean the entire area, especially focusing on my asshole. I don’t want ANY trace of shit left. Then use toilet paper to dry it off, but BE GENTLE PLEASE. I have possible hemorrhoids. There may be some bleeding but don’t fret. I have no diseases, but I’ll supply gloves anyways. After that I’ll stand up and you pull my pants up. Make sure you pull them all the way up. I don’t wear jeans often so no zipping required. Some days I may even sport a dress, so less work for you. Then I’ll need you to guide me to the sink and wash my hands for me. Added bonus, you can take your gloves off and by washing my hands you inadvertently wash yours too. Then you pick me up again and take me back to the bedroom. Place me in my bed and cover me up.
For my husband, it’s gonna be a bit different. He of course may end up with shit on his balls which you’ll be responsible for cleaning up. Gross I know but I’ll throw in a few extra bucks for the added ick factor. At least he has no traces of hemorrhoids. He does however have that typical hairy guy-ass, so be extra thorough. In case of some serious splats, just shave it off. He doesn’t mind. Razors and shaving cream are under the sink. His razor is the gold one. Apply cream liberally. Wipe as much shit off as you can first. In the even my husband needs to piss, he may sit, but if he don’t feel like it you will need to hold his wiener. Don’t go getting sexual, because I’m a very jealous person. Just hold it near the base and aim it. If you aim it incorrectly and make a mess, you clean it up. Please try your best to be neat, I’m a clean freak especially with the bathroom. Which reminds me, under no circumstances are you to EVER use our bathroom. That would just be gross. Our backyard is pretty heavily wooded, so you can just go out there. You are more than welcome to take some toilet paper if you need to shit, I’ll just deduct 25 cents per square from your paycheck. And when done you need to seal it in a trash bag (which I’ll deduct $1 per bag from your check if you use mine) and put it in the outside trash bin.
Aside from assistance with using the bathroom we also need someone to brush and floss our teeth, wash/comb/style our hair, get us dressed, clean our house, prepare our meals (and I have special dietary needs since I’m vegan so you’ll have to pay close attention), fetch our mail, feed/water and play with our cats, and get us anything else we need.
No cell phone use during work hours. That’s tacky and rude. Scrubs are preferred, if not available a white tee and jeans. Nothing too cute, I should always look better than you. Always be on time. Shifts constantly vary and can last up to 24 hours, in which case you’ll be provided a bonus. I’ll let you know your shift 1 week ahead of time.
Since we are doing you a favor providing you with work, and it’s relatively easy work, plus we are on a limited income, pay starts out at $3 an hour. Even though that’s kinda generous considering the work, we are willing to bump it up to $3.05 after 90 days of employment, provided your work is satisfactory. We will pay time and 1/4 for any holidays worked. Night shift is time and 1/8.
Also, please only polite obedient people apply. We deal with enough sass at work. We are your bosses, so just listen ok?
Let us know if you are interested. You will start immediately.
- Location: Dayton, OH
- Compensation: $3.05 per hour
Date: 2012-07-23, 2:22AM EDT
Note from the user who submitted this ad: lollllll.