Hey Mr(s) Skeetsock at Dry Bloody Cunts LLC!
I can’t wait for you to barely read my resume/cover letter that I rewrote four times. I’m also really looking forward to you not responding to my email with even a “Thanks for applying, but…”.
Holy shit! I can’t wait to not work at your company for barely more than minimum wage. I would totally be the best employee you didn’t hire.
Check out my shit:
Skills:
Like anyone born after 1980, I’m not mystified by the computer (PEE SEE) or the software required by your job listing. I know that you think you need someone with 5 years experience with Excel, Powerpoint, and (OMFG WAT R E MALES?) Outlook fucking Express; but this is not the case. Anyone with half a brain and a semi erect penis can use Outlook. Anyone who doesn’t know how to use Outlook can become a JEDI FUCKING MASTER with it in one day with access to Google.com. I can send an email while I fap to redtube, fap to facebook, fap to angry birds, and fap that photo of your cat you have on your desk. I can multifap. “The ability to keep accurate records, make copies, staple documents…” STAPLE DOCUMENTS??? Motherfucker I can staple your shit while you skeet my fucking eyelids shut! Every day I will come in to work with a raging hard boner, just so I can slap that meaty stick down on that stapler for every document you require. CHOP! Like an Iron Chef!
Education:
Hey dipshit, I have a bachelor’s degree. No it doesn’t need to be in fucking business or finance. I took a shit ton of business and finance classes for FUN to meet my gen requirements. But you wouldn’t know that since you won’t ever offer to meet with me in person. Do you even know how much fucking work goes into getting a degree today? I have more fucking experience just going through all the courses I had to take than 20 years at your bum fuck company. You guys are still using Windows 98 for fuck’s sake. I’d like to see you write a 10,000 word paper on any topic. My English professor would have chewed off your cock in front of the whole class while we burned your attempt and collectively soaked you in urine while you sulked in the fetal position with your blackberry rammed up your ass.
References:
Your mom – 1999-2008: I was her administrative assistant for years after your dad moved out. I lubed her shit, pounded her shit, and recorded that pounding for her website.
Technical skills~ Applying lube to a dry vag. Applying my cock to a lubed vag. Recording, editing, uploading video of that pounding to her website. Answering phone calls and emails (WITH OUTLOOK)
You have her number
Your dad – 1999-2008: I was his administrative assistant for years after he moved out of your mom’s. He was a fucking baby about it so I had to stick a dildo dipped in starbucks coffee up his hairy asshole
every morning while he read the paper. I helped him build up a s&m company from the ground up. He was really into fat ladies sitting and rubbing their unwashed, shit stained panties on his puckered lips.
Technical skills~ Making ads (online and print), answering phone calls, sending emails, stapling documents, photocopying. Getting his coffee and dildo every morning.
You still have his number
I eagerly await your reply; you flaccid, Stone Age, pedobear, cum omelette eating, fox news watching, dried starfish. I thank you for taking enough time away from sticking your thumb in and out your asshole and smelling it long enough to peruse my shit.
- Location: Michele Bachmann’s dildo horcrux
- it’s ok to contact this poster if you are a potential employer or other principal
- Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job seeker.
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2590972026
http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/res/2590972026.html
Not from the user who submitted this ad: Your Notes: They seem pretty upset about the job market.