In the highly unlikely event that I am one of God’s elect**, I wish to make provisions for my Akita puppy; alas, she has no soul, and thus regrettably will not be accompanying me on my journey to the afterlife.
At the time of the Rapture, I will leave one unopened 35 lb bag of dog food at the top of the basement steps. Your duties will include feeding the dog exactly two cups of food two times per day. Meal times are approximately 7:30 AM and 5:00 PM; any variance beyond one half of an hour from these designated times is unacceptable. If you and the dog survive the prophesied plague, war, pestilence, et al., for any length of time, you may need to procure additional dog food. It is imperative that you buy Nutro Natural Choice for Large Breed Puppies. I will ensure that my wallet is left in the house on the day of the Rapture since I’m certain I won’t be needing it where I am going. You are welcome to use the contents to purchase the specified food from Concord Pet. In the event that our economic system has collapsed and/or anarchy has ensued, you may be forced to barter or even loot, but please do not compromise by acquiring generic food as my dog has a sensitive stomach.
The dog also has a veterinarian appointment on May 23rd, for which I will leave instructions aside my wallet. Although I don’t believe that K9 Advantix combats locusts in addition to fleas and ticks, anything is worth a shot in what are sure to be turbulent times.
Suitable candidates should be heathens. Preference will be given to devil worshipers, as your chances of being raptured are even more negligible than mine. For your efforts, you may live in my home rent free, and draw a weekly salary of $350 plus any dog-related expenses from my checking account. Your payment will be based on the honor system as I will not be able to physically distribute the funds to you. However, please bear in mind that both God and I will be watching; with judgment day right around the corner, this is no time to be screwing around with values such as honesty.
I am unfortunately unable to guarantee the length of this contract assignment, however it will not extend beyond October, when the world will haltingly come to its violent, divinely-ordained end.
Interested candidates may reply to this advertisement with a rÃ©sumÃ© and references. Cover letters may be addressed to Mike.
If this prophesy is not fulfilled, I may need dog sitting in the future for events of a more routine nature. At that time, an hourly rate will be negotiated.
** Please note that the likelihood that I will in fact be raptured is extremely rare. At best, I’m agnostic: I drink, I smoke, I’m gay, and the last time I set foot in a church (for a funeral, no less) I was mildly concerned that the building might spontaneously erupt in flames. Nonetheless, I do give to several charities, I try to be a good person, I don’t sleep around, I’ve never knowingly killed anyone, and I figure if there is a god, s/he likely has a sense of humor. I’ve also heard it said that God works in mysterious ways, so this arrangement is strictly intended to plan for any potential contingencies.
Date Posted: 05-17-2011,