Archive for November, 2009

Funny Craigslist Ad #73: i need help moving my chickens

I have approximately 1,243 chickens that need to be transported, i began my journey with my mini van but just was not working out, too many trips and too much shit and feathers, and with no ac it makes it very difficult when constantly tempted to roll the windows down, and because doing it all by hand i have lost 1 out of 4 chickens with my first 3 trips. if you have reasonable transportation for this chicken operation plz let me know. thank you.

-Matt

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/hou/1290743016.html

Funny Craigslist Ad #72: Dear Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

Why do you insist upon mowing your fucking lawn at 8 AM? At least once a week I wake up to hear your lawnmower revving away right outside my fucking window. Your whole lawn is shaded by your house and that huge tree, so I have to hear you stall the thing at least 12 times. Here’s an idea…. WAIT UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LAWN IS DRY BEFORE YOU MOW IT!!!!!!!!! I get home from work at 4 AM only to awaken hours later to the sound of a weedwacker coming from next door. Closing the windows doesn’t help. Putting the pillow over my head doesn’t work. You could probably hear your mower in space.

Your lawn looks like ass anyway. Why even mow the damn thing? The potted plants you bought in May are still sitting, unplanted of course, in their original resting place, which appears to be a framed horseshoe pit in the center of your yard. There are a couple of oversized, azure synthetic drums out there that accent the always stylish, black rubber indoor/outdoor mats that tastefully adorn your back porch. For the love of God! The place looks like it belongs in Gummo. The only thing missing is a trailer, four screaming brats, a car up on cinder blocks and a couple mangy animals. If I had enough Round-Up, I would turn the thing into a sandlot myself to save you the trouble when you finally come to your senses and make the switch.

I can’t stand you. I can’t stand your lawnmower. I can’t stand your shitty old man tattoo that looks like a vulture from afar. I can’t stand the way you push around your stalling lawnmower over your wet grass while wearing Jack Daniels pajama pants at 8 in the morning. The last thing I need to see after four hours of sleep is some random old guy next door mowing his lawn without underwear.

I detest you. If I had a dog, I would let it into your lawn to shit.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alt/1315255760.html

Funny Craigslist Ad #71: Dead rat finder and remover

Had a rat problems and solved it by using the rat poison. The rats died somewhere in my bedroom wall and I can’t find it but I can smell it it is not too good. I need some body who has experience finding where in wall the dead rats is and then taking them out it without breaking the walls. Maybe some guy who is poor they are more likely to have experience with the rats. Im not really able to pay too much for this would treat you to McDonald’s it is close to my home. Besides, this is good experience for you if you are in the business. I would be willing to tell all your other customers what a great job you did with my rat. You could give them my cell number and as soon as my phone gets turned back on it would be like you have free advertising. I dispertly need some guys help right away cause my girlfriend won’t sleep over anymore till I get rid of the smell and cleanup other things around my home and get a job soon. She used to go out with my brother and Im scared she will go back with him cause he don’t have rats in his house. Dont worry if I dont answer you right away cause Im using my friends computer I dont have one. Give me your number and ill call you back and tell you where the house is. Thanks.

• Location: Milwaukee
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: no pay

Date: 2009-09-09, 12:33AM CDT

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mil/1365314322.html