Archive for June, 2009

Funny Craiglist Ad # 50: NEED TO GET RID OF MY CASH

I just moved and sold a whole bunch of stuff, which has been very satisfying, except that now I’ve got all this cash. Mostly twenties, except for a few fives and a couple ones. I assume the money originated in ATM machines, just because of the preponderance of twenties which I’ve received in bulk (in envelopes mostly, though one stack in exchange for my washer/dryer was paper clipped) though I couldn’t tell you which ones came together anymore.

There is one “classic” twenty dating from 1993, softly worn over Jackson’s face, creating a boyish, worried look as though someone told him he was no longer going to be printed on the bill because he had done something wrong (as an April Fools).

There are 7 “white” twenties (still equivalent to $20): 3 from 1996, 2 from 1999, and 2 from 2001.

There are 47 contemporary twenties, which is over $900.

The fives and ones are unexceptional, except that they are worth money.

The items can be used for all sorts of things: buying food or clothing in stores, snorting cocaine, acquiring cocaine, stretching leather, exercising willpower, bribing, hushing, during sex or for sex (I have not done this though I don’t know what the buyers of my belongings did, I didn’t ask, though they seemed like normal type people, but who knows…), tipping and/or looking rich, and more!

I am willing to separate the bills. If you’re looking for a little bit more, I could potentially get some, though I am running low on things I’m willing to sell. The cash is AS IS; I assume it’s authentic because I already took it from someone else, but I haven’t taken it to a bank. Some bills are worn more than others, most are in good shape. They smell ok and appear clean. I’m not a money collector (obviously) so there may be some finds!

What I am looking for:

a used dish rack (I don’t want a new one because I know someone else must be getting rid of one that’s still perfectly good), preferably white, with a matching mat
a used drawer organizer for silverware (ditto), not plastic, no color preference
an old telephone, I’m picturing 70′s-80′s era, red
mismatched country-style kitchen chairs
a wooden desk, preferably the color of the table that the cash is on (see pics)
good music (vinyl or CDs), especially Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream or Camera Obscura’s My Maudlin Career
a wooden rocking chair, not too wide in the seat
house plants, bigger
a really cool beaded curtain, preferably wood
something that I don’t know that I want
I don’t do drugs, sorry, but thanks for thinking of me

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1135848167.html

Date: 2009-04-22, 10:34PM PDT

Funny Craigslist Ad # 49: You Want the Table? You Can’t Handle the Table!

It’s big, heavy, and ugly. You can’t kill it; you can’t even frighten it. It’s 6X3X3 feet tall, with two tiers and three drawers that work. It’s sheet metal and angle iron, welded together with testosterone.

Run a monster truck over it. Tape explosives to it. Launch it a quarter mile with a (big) trebuchet. Play the Anvil Chorus on it with sledgehammers for an hour. It will mock you.

I’m a beaten man. Just get it out of my garage. Bring your friends

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1139643671.html

Date: 2009-04-25, 10:02AM PDT

Funny Craigslist Ad # 48: Husband wants a rusty trombone for his birthday

My husband has asked for a rusty trombone for his birthday, which is Wednesday. I’ve scoured the pawn shops and music stores, and I haven’t found one. I am guessing that rusty ones will be cheaper than new ones, and I don’t know what the big deal is, but it’s what he wants and he is very specific about it. I could have bought a dozen new ones at this point, but he says that a rusty trombone is nostalgic for him, so I suppose it will mean more. If you selling (or even giving away) a rusty trombone, please let me know what you have, how much it costs and how I can get it (will you deliver it, or will I have to go to you?). Also, suggestions on how to wrap such a thing? Please help, I am down to the wire on this thing and I don’t like being this late with a gift!!!

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mia/1143295553.html

Date: 2009-04-27, 8:03PM EDT

Funny Craigslist Ad # 47: Relationship Assistance – Part Time

Super busy affluent SF Arts/ Entrepreneur who travels a lot for work needs part time help finding a girlfriend/LTR. I figured that someone out there must have the skills and time to do this for me, like hiring a recruiter to help find the right employee. This is a project that might take a month or two. The pay would be $30 an hour up to $5000 with a bonus if we succeed. I am a 50 something year old fit, smart, attractive, cultured, extrovert, humorous, white guy married once no kids. And I am a quasi high profile SF person with full a biography and photos online i.e. not some closet weirdo. I’m looking for a youthful super smart stylish creative urban woman who lives in SF for LTR. That seems pretty straightforward. The job would involve finding and interviewing 5- 10 women online and in person (I am picky visually). It would take a couple months I assume.

If you are interested in this job, please send me a note and let me know why you would be good at it, why I should trust you, and how you would go about it. Confidentiality and discretion on all levels is a priority. I’ve never done this before, and I am neither patient nor experienced with online dating. You need to be SF based, college educated, smart and street savvy, with a highly organized nature, great sense of humor, refined taste and an especially good eye. You can send me a resume if you want, but this is not essential.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1144016783.html

Date: 2009-04-28, 7:43AM PDT